The process of developing your soft skills
The step-by-step process to improve your soft skills
Intro
I’ve heard of tech leads stepping out of the role because of how much people management it involves. But I’ve never heard a tech lead say: “Wow, being a tech lead is way more technical than I expected”.
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… now back to today’s article.
As a tech lead, your success depends on the success of your team and the perceived effect by your stakeholders. Basically, your success depends on the people around you.
That means you need to know how to deal with them: communicate clearly, collaborate efficiently, give meaningful feedback, navigate conflict, and get people aligned. You can read more on why soft skills matter as a tech lead in these articles:
Actually, in my experience, the most technically skilled tech leads struggle the most with the transition into the role. The reason is simple: you get better at what you focus on. They got so good at tech because they focused on tech. But leadership is a whole different game. It requires stepping out of your comfort zone and shifting your focus from tech to people.
That’s not easy. But not impossible.
In this article, I’ll walk you through the exact process I’ve used with hundreds of engineers to build soft skills in a structured, intentional, and measurable way:
Step 1: Start. Anywhere
You don’t need a perfect starting point - just a real one. Look around your team or your current leadership challenges and pick one thing that’s not working as well as you'd like. Maybe your 1-1s feel surface-level. Maybe you're struggling to give constructive feedback. Maybe you're often misunderstood in meetings.
Pick one problem. Then define a small win. For example:
"I want to become better at giving feedback" → "This week, I’ll give one piece of constructive feedback to a team member"
"I want to improve meeting facilitation" → "In the next planning session, I’ll summarize the team's points and propose a way forward."
Define what success looks like
Start with the why. You might think the WHY is obvious, but coaching over 500 techies, I can tell you that it’s not as straightforward as you’d expect. We all have different motivations. And your motivation - the why behind your goal - will influence how you define success.
Let’s say your goal is: “I want to become better at giving feedback”
Now ask yourself: WHY?
Is it because your manager told you to?
Is it because people don’t seem to take your feedback seriously?
Is it because you’ve noticed things you want to bring up but don’t know how?
Is it because giving feedback is part of your job expectations?
Each of these whys leads to a different definition of success:
If your manager told you → Success might mean getting a “meets expectations” rating on feedback in your next review.
If people don’t take you seriously → Success could be having someone act on your feedback or ask follow-up questions.
If you want to speak up more → Success might be delivering one clear, constructive piece of feedback to a teammate next week.
If it's part of your role → Success could be getting input from your team about how they perceive your feedback skills.
As you can see, your why determines what progress looks like - and that clarity will guide your next step: taking action.
Step 2: Apply one change
Try something new. If you usually avoid speaking in meetings, maybe your one change is preparing a point ahead of time and saying it early. If you struggle with giving feedback, you might try using a framework like SBI and drafting your message in advance.
Don’t feel like you need to invent a strategy from scratch. Pull ideas from your network, a book, an article, a mentor, or even a podcast. The point is to not just reflect but to experiment. Test something, anything, that’s different from what you usually do. You’re not committing to it forever. You’re just running a small experiment to see what works.
Doing something new - especially if it feels awkward or outside your comfort zone - is the fastest way to learn. The key is to apply it in a real, everyday situation.
Step 3: Reflect
What worked? What didn’t?
This is a key step that often gets skipped in the process of growth. People get caught up in the doing, rushing from one challenge to the next, often repeating the same patterns without realizing it. Reflection makes the growth process intentional. It’s how you avoid running in circles, repeating mistakes, and missing out on key insights. It helps you spot what worked and double down on it - amplifying growth far more effectively than only focusing on fixing what went wrong.
To actually understand what worked and what didn’t, self-reflection alone isn’t enough. You need external input. Soft skills are about human interaction, so the most accurate way to assess them is through feedback - how others experience the change. Any behavior shift will affect the people around you, and their perspective is the most valuable data you can get.
Ask for feedback consistently, especially after moments where soft skills are in play. For example, if you’re working on speaking up more in meetings and you shared an idea, follow up with a colleague: “How clear was I in that point I made earlier?” The best time to ask is right after the moment happens - when the experience is still fresh and the insight is sharp.
Step 4: Adapt
Integrate what worked into your habits. Let go of what didn’t.
Of course, this is easier said than done. To really incorporate a new behaviour takes effort. When we’re under stress, we tend to fall back on familiar habits - even if they’re not helpful. That’s why it requires intentional repetition, preparation ahead of time, and a steady commitment to making the new behavior stick.
Tracking your progress is what keeps the motivation alive. Noticing small wins along the way helps you see that you're moving forward. Mark every step - big or small. Even discovering what doesn’t work gives you direction. That insight alone is valuable because it tells you what to avoid and where to focus next. Reflection isn’t just about catching mistakes - it’s also how you identify what’s working so you can do more of it. In fact, doubling down on what works can have a bigger impact on your growth than focusing only on fixing what’s broken. And, as a plus, you’re also creating a list of accomplishments and learnings - helpful both when you’re feeling stuck and for future reference, like proving growth during performance reviews.
It’s easy to get caught in the loop of constant improvement without recognizing progress. If you only focus on what you haven’t mastered yet, you risk losing motivation. Instead, regularly recognize what is working. That’s what helps you stay energized and engaged, instead of burning out or giving up midway through the journey.
Repeat
The process of growth is continuous and never-ending. Once you go through all the steps - start, apply, reflect, adapt - repeat the cycle. Revisit the same situation with a new strategy, or tackle a new challenge altogether.
Common traps (and how to avoid them)
The steps of this process sound simple enough - start small, reflect, adapt - but in practice, most people struggle to follow them consistently. Even when they know what to do, it’s easy to fall into habits that derail growth. That’s because real behavior change is hard. It’s uncomfortable, messy, and often invisible day to day. These are the most common traps I see tech leads fall into when trying to grow their soft skills - and how to stay clear of them:
Trap 1: Setting goals that are too big or too many
You might feel tempted to fix everything at once: improve your communication, become a better decision-maker, start mentoring more, and give better feedback all at the same time. But when your goals are too big or too numerous, they become overwhelming. You either burn out trying to do everything or feel so paralyzed that you don’t start at all. Instead, pick one thing. Focus on a single, tangible outcome. For example, if your team doesn’t give you feedback, don’t aim for “Everyone gives me great feedback next month”. Instead, try “One team member gives me one piece of constructive feedback in the next two weeks.” If the issue is decision-making, don’t expect full alignment overnight. Aim for something like “We agree on the problem we’re solving” or “We move forward even if there isn’t full agreement, but we’ve talked about it openly.” Small wins build confidence and momentum.
Trap 2: Applying too many strategies at once
When you’re trying to improve a skill, it’s easy to feel like more action equals more progress. You read a book, try advice from a course, implement feedback from a peer - all in one go. The problem is that, when something changes, you will have no idea what actually made the difference.
If your meetings are running more smoothly, was it the new format? The prep notes you shared? The shift in your facilitation style? Without isolating changes, there’s no way to tell what worked and what didn’t.
Focus on one strategy at a time. Give it enough space to observe the impact. Once you see what’s working, keep it, and then layer on the next experiment.
Trap 3: Skipping reflection
This is one of the easiest traps to fall into - especially when you’re busy or focused on delivering results. You try new approaches, but if you never pause to ask, “Did that actually work?”, you miss the chance to learn from your actions. Make reflection a habit. It can be something you do daily, weekly, or after key events - whatever cadence works best for you. Milestones are also a great opportunity to pause and evaluate: What worked? What didn’t? What should I change going forward?
Trap 4: No feedback loop
You can’t know if you’re improving a soft skill unless you ask. Unlike technical skills, the success of soft skills is visible in how others experience you. Are people more engaged in meetings? Are your 1:1s more productive? Are conflicts resolved more smoothly? These signals matter - but you have to seek them out. Make feedback a regular habit. Ask simple questions after relevant interactions: "Was that helpful?" "What could I do better next time?" You’ll learn faster and avoid guesswork.
Trap 5: No accountability
Growth is hard to sustain on your own. We all like to think we’ll follow through - but without someone there to check in, it’s easy for other priorities to take over. Accountability changes that. Having someone - a peer, a mentor, a coach - who regularly checks in with you makes all the difference. They remind you of your goals, challenge your thinking, and help you stay focused when things get busy. I hear this from my clients all the time: “Honestly, I only did it because I knew our session was coming up and I wanted to talk to you about the results”. Sometimes, just knowing someone is paying attention is the push you need to keep going.
Soft Skills for Tech Leads - O’Reilly course
If you’re ready to strengthen your soft skills, my O’Reilly online course, Soft Skills for Tech Leads, dives deeper into these concepts and offers practical tools you can start using today.
Conclusion
Soft skills aren’t something you either have or don’t. Just as tech skills, they can be learned through repetition, feedback, and practice. And the earlier you start, the more impact you’ll have as a leader.
Start today. Pick one area. Try one new thing. Reflect. Adapt. Repeat.
That’s how you grow 😉
Until next time,
Anemari, I appreciate this. There is so much out there about "be this or that", but rarely do you find practical broken down steps. As an analytical person, I crave this, and this type of breakdown is easy to absorb and apply.
It's a well-structured, neat breakdown. Thanks for sharing it. Here are some tips that let me enhance my soft skills more easily:
- Being genuine in communications. IMO, insincerity is worse than being silent. Easier said than done, though.
- Being curious about other people's interests and asking questions about them. Generally, people love to speak about their passions. Then let them talk.
- Showing care for the important things that other people care about. Whether it's a holiday they celebrated, an important event in their life, or their loved ones. Again, genuineness is the key here.